


Kaleidoscope

by Ulquii



Series: FictoberMF18 [14]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Confusion, Day 14, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Kaleidoscope, Kuron is giving Shiro a hard time, M/M, Shiro is having a lot of trouble, help him please, or kind of, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 19:24:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17566514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ulquii/pseuds/Ulquii
Summary: But at the end it was all the same.“Shiro?”He looked down to his right, finding the bluest and most beautiful eyes he had ever seen, eyes that appeared over and over again in the memories he didn’t remember living, in the memories where he stared at them attentively, with so much detail that he could replicate them with just imagine them.





	Kaleidoscope

**Author's Note:**

> So... first one without Keith and I still mention him a couple of times.  
> I won't ever get over this boi.

The images behind his eyelids overlapped and bended, duplicated and changed. His memories mixed in a confusing way with memories from the body he was in now, and his feelings revolved over a single axis, from where they repeated themselves in different colors, in different textures, in different intensities.

But at the end it was all the same.

“Shiro?”

He looked down to his right, finding the bluest and most beautiful eyes he had ever seen, eyes that appeared over and over again in the memories he didn’t remember living, in the memories where he stared at them attentively, with so much detail that he could replicate them with just imagine them.

“Lance, hey...”

He walked to him with doubt, standing by his side while his eyes, his gorgeous eyes, gazed the desert, his new uniform highlighting them with so much ease.

“You wanted to see me?”

His voice was full of hesitation, almost shyness, and he had to take a deep breath to clear his head again, the colorful images of him as a center disappearing briefly behind his eyes and letting him remember what he needed to think.

“Yeah... uh...”

Lance leaned over the rail, his eyebrows slightly curved and the line that always appeared below his eye showing his concern.

“So...” he murmured giving him a quick look before dropping his head to the front, not letting him to see his expression, “What’s up?”

The casual tone that he wanted to give his voice went lost immediately.

“Lance, I...”

He inhaled deeply by his nose, looking to the desert too and hoping that doing so his thoughts would clear out a bit more.

“My head had been... in a chaos since... since...”

He bit his lip, not knowing how to put it in words, but both knew what he was talking about. He himself had said it when they were on their trip to Earth, and all that that he had gone through isn’t something someone could recover from that easily. But he needed to have answers, at least for a couple of questions, the couple of questions related to the young man beside him.

“I’ve been very confused,” he continued, unsure of how to express his thoughts, and shook his head, “My memories tell me something, but this body...”

He dropped his gaze to his hand in the rail, too near to Lance’s arm, and he tightened his fist at the need to move it a bit for contact, one so slight and subtle that surely won’t mean anything, but the void in his chest screamed for him to do.

“Lance, why do I...?”

He scoffed, frustrated, and Lance finally looked back to him, his eyes open in something that seemed to understand what was happening, to understand what he couldn’t.

“Lance...”

“Shiro...” he called for him softly, turning to him and taking his hand that was already distorting the steel in its palm, making him relax his fingers and let go slowly, the little, slender fingers entwining with the prothesis’ in a fond gesture that felt vague but too familiar, “Do you remember...?”

He glanced away from their hands, looking up to the blu eyes and not being able to finding them because of the long lashes, Lance’s sight fixed in the hold.

“Do you remember that you called me?” he asked with a whisper, making him frown, “That time in the quintessence of Voltron, you...”

He remembered. He remembered calling his name and hearing his voice answering far away before he was left alone once again. And he has another memory overlapped with that clear one, a vague and difficult to explain memory where Lance asked him about that and he couldn’t remember such thing, confessing a little later that he didn’t felt like himself.

His head was starting to get mixed up again.

“Yeah.”

Lance stayed silent for a moment.

“Right then, I thought I couldn’t...” he continued, his voice hesitant and shaky, “I thought I couldn’t be your right hand.”

He felt all his body tense up even before he could comprehend his words, as if that startled more his physical body than his own mind.

“What...?”

“I couldn’t hear you, Shiro,” he explained in a thread of voice, “I couldn’t help you. I didn’t even know you weren’t you until Keith...”

He heard him gasp, obviously hiding a sob, and his left arm automatically held his shoulder, sliding his hand up to his neck and lifting his face with lesser effort. His heart shattered when he saw his eyes flooded in tears, little by little falling through his cheeks, and he went totally speechless, a voice in his head screaming desperately to hug him, his own body reacting to the order without him thinking about it for long.

“S-shiro?”

He mouthed with doubt, feeling how his left arm placed itself with a startling familiarity around the smaller shoulders and his right hand found place easily in his lower back, his face leaning a bit and his nose inhaling instinctively the thin and fresh smell of his hair.

What was all that?

“I-I’m sorry, I...”

He didn’t understand it, much less describe it, but all those images that he knew didn’t belong to him were coming back to flood his head, all those memories with Lance as a protagonist putting themselves behind his eyes as if they were the reason of his actions, all that kaleidoscope of colors and textures lighting up his mind and illuminating his consciousness with feelings that appeared inside his chest.

They weren’t his, none of those memories. Those emotions didn’t belong to him. But he knew that, somehow, he was feeling them and remembering them too, his own soul going to peace with the other’s body and responding to all that seemed to belong to the other being that was in his physical form.

“Lance...”

He pulled away to look at him, finding his eyes still glazed in tears and his lips parted in a mute question.

“I...”

He closed his mouth, incapable of saying it, but a look to Lance’s mouth made him know what he really wanted.

“Shiro...”

“I’m sorry,” he muttered before leaning down and kiss him with a barely-there touch, Lance flinching in his arms at the contact.

And he thought he would have to apologize again, having crossed a line that, even though his instinct was conformed, his moral was exclaiming it was wrong.

“L-lance...”

He saw him blink, the blue eyes being bright and lost, out of the oddity of surprise he waited, and he felt his hands find his neck with doubt, slipping to his nape and into his hair.

“Shiro...” he whispered closing his eyes, a short laugh coming out of his mouth, “You... why...?”

What could he answer to that?

“I don’t know,” he stuttered, the tickling heat that wandered on his chest too real and disconcerting, “Lance, I’m so confused...”

Lance pulled away a little, his eyebrows curving in concern, and he let go of the lazy hug to his neck, his hands positioning in his chest and his feet going totally to the ground.

“What...?”

He shook his head and leaned to touch his forehead with his, tightening his closed eyelids.

“Everything I’m feeling,” he tried to explain, “everything I remember of you isn’t...”

Lance bit his lower lip, and he got distracted on it.

“What do you mean...?”

He took a deep breath and pulled away, not wanting to fall to temptation again.

“Everything is a chaos in my head,” he continued dropping his gaze to the space between their bodies, Lance’s hands static midair, “I know I’m feeling this for you, I’m really aware of what this is...”

He found his eyes, his expression full of hope, and he had to bite his mouth to keep himself from kissing him.

“It is,” he kept going with a fleeting smile, “But it didn’t start with me, Lance, it started with...”

Understanding washed over his face, his brows relaxing and his eyes opening more, something unknown wandering his mind.

“Oh...” he blurted out, his hands falling to his sides and his shoulders slumping down, “Oh.”

He nodded, noting how he comprehended it without needing to say it, and he had to breathe to continue.

“But they’re sincere, Lance,” he admitted, bringing a hand to his own chest, “All this is real and it’s here, but-”

“You don’t want it.”

He startled, looking back to him and finding the side of his face, his blue eyes lost in the desert once again.

“W-what?”

“You don’t want them,” Lance repeated, his mouth curving up with too much effort, “I understand. You don’t want me, not this way...”

Panic bubbled inside him.

“Lance...”

“It’s your body the one reacting,” he said hugging himself and gripping his arms, “It’s  _him_  the one that really wants me, not you...”

There was something true about that. But not in the way Lance thought.

“I love you, Lance.”

Lance looked at him in shock, his mouth opening in a complain that didn’t have form. And made use of the silence to approach to him what he had pulled away and hold him by the shoulders.

“I love you,” he repeated closing his eyes, “Maybe too much. And what I’m scared of is you thinking that my true feelings are influenced by  _his_.

Lance stared at his eyes, his face darkened in a blush, but he didn’t try to get free of his hold.

“And they aren’t?”

He had asked himself that for long time. But turning and fixing the kaleidoscope of emotions and memories, those that belonged to him and those that don’t, somehow in every image seemed brighter with him in it.

“I’m not trying to deceive myself, Lance,” he explained reaching for his face, the blue eyes gazing his fingers warily, “I’m not trying to convince myself, either. I’m really aware that most of this developed with  _him_ , but that only opened my eyes.”

Lance looked up to him, this time seeming understanding.

“And how do I know they won’t change?” he asked, his voice so fragile and low that he wanted to wrap him up in his arms and never let go, “How do I know that your actual consciousness won’t want someone else in the future?”

He had asked himself that, too. And he haven’t found the answer just yet.

“I didn’t plan this,” he answered without really responding, letting him go from his hold, “When I wanted to talk to you it was because I needed some answers. I didn’t plan to show everything this way.”

Lance watched him quietly, causing him a sharp pain in the bottom of his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized again, backing up a few steps and looking away, “I... I won’t bother you, okay? Just... Just forget it.”

He turned to the door, but a hesitant grip in his sleeve made him stop, looking over his shoulder and seeing Lance staring at the ground, his hand fisting his clothes shivering.

“Don’t misunderstand,” he asked softly with a halting sigh, “I appreciate your honesty, and understand your confusion, but...”

He saw him shift uncomfortably and let go of his uniform, shrugging his shoulders and looking impossibly smaller, feeling the need to hug him one more time. To protect him.

“But thinking that it was someone else who actually reached for you, so easily,” he continued in an exasperated gasp, a sob drowning in his throat, “thinking that someone else could take your interest and tear you away from my life...”

“Lance...”

“You were my hero for so long, Shiro,” he confessed looking up to him and letting him see the wet trails of tears escaping from his eyelashes, “It’s you who I most admire, and I’ve been in love with you for too long. But seeing that it was Keith who could save you, not this one time but many more times, makes me feel that I’m not worth it.”

The pain in his heart went sharper, making him tense up against it.

“God, Lance...”

“It makes me feel that at any moment someone could come and do everything I wanted to do, everything I wished to do for you, and you’ll choose them without even looking at me...”

The kaleidoscope crooked and suddenly broke, everything that was overlapped in emotions and images going blurred and transforming in the image that was right in front of him, in Lance sobbing silently thanks to his insecurity.

“A-and then, what will I do, Shiro?” he doubted in a whimper, the first one despite the quantity of tears already cried, “I-I can’t deal with another heart break...”

He didn’t waste time to wrap him in his arms, this time holding him effortless in a need to protect him from his own thoughts, Lance shivering because of the gasps and gripping his clothes in an attempt to cling to him.

“You won’t,” he assured even when he himself wasn’t sure of it, trying to protect him from the adversity of the future even if it was useless to do so, “I won’t let that happen. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to see you doubt of yourself. I don’t want...”

He gasped, feeling his eyes itch and his shoulder getting wet from the young man’s tears.

“I won’t ever be able to love someone else beside you.”

And he understood that not only him had the kaleidoscope confusing his soul, he understood that breaking the kaleidoscope blinding Lance from his own greatness was more important.


End file.
